As we looked out onto the ocean and waves crashed below us, I felt grateful. Here I was, sitting on a cliff, in the arms of the man I dreamt of for so long. A light, cool wind swept through the ridge, the salty air a comforting scent. “Isn’t it crazy,” I started to say as I watched the sun set on the horizon, “That for so many years before we met each other we wondered who we’d marry, where we’d be today? That we longed for that person, for that life together? And here we are?” Adam nodded and said, “I was just thinking the same thing.” At our little spot which felt like the edge of the world, all we could hear were the ocean, occasional seagull flying above, and each other, telling stories and talking about our future. And for a moment, I was in disbelief that this was not a dream.
It was crazy, really, when I think about it. I had dreams my entire life of this very moment: with him, the man I prayed for, and a place just like this. But as unbelievable as it was, it was real, and it all made sense. I couldn’t see the man I would one day marry in my dreams because I was in his arms, and we were facing forward towards the ocean, as we spoke about the rest of our future together. Yet for so many years I despaired, begging God to show me his face, to tell me his name. I became involved in relationships that were unhealthy, naïve to the pain that they would bring me attempting to find him. I began to resent and distance myself from God. I clung to false hope and believed that putting on a smile would make me happier than I felt, or at least make it seem so. I thought pretty words and being pursued meant I was truly loved...just like I felt that receiving flowers after being damaged so deeply was love, too. But I had never felt more forgotten and alone. Like a ship lost at sea, I felt I had no sense of direction and like I was sinking. What I was desperate for more than anything, in my life of constant change and unknowns, was the kind of companionship that is unconditional and enduring. Little did I know that it wasn’t up to me or my timeline; I had to be at peace with myself first, and surrender my worries and fears to God. I had to trust Him and His timing, and the plans He had not only for me, but for a man somewhere else in the world who had the same prayer.
Sitting on the cliff by the sea, I finally understood the significance of L E T T I N G G O A N D L E T T I N G G O D.
And so, here I was, with him, my h u s b a n d (it’s been almost three years of calling him that and I still can’t get over it), tears in my eyes and peace in my soul, and a humbled heart full to the brim – with love, love, and love upon love – and a steadfast GRATEFULNESS. I chose him, but God chose him first. It was His plan all along. And I feel embarrassed now to admit that I didn’t understand it before, God. I doubted You, I underestimated You, but You never abandoned me, nor did you forget Your plans for my future. I’m sorry it took me so long to get it, but I’m here now, and all of my faith is in You.
I’ve never felt closer to You than I do now.
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