Take three deep breaths.
Don't succumb to the vending machine.
Put on your big girl panties.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Suck it up, buttercup.
Are you ready? No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
These are some thoughts that have been racing through my head as I dread the beginning of a new graduate school semester, when I'll probably end it with half a scalp missing from all of the hair I'm going to pull out of my head. Or, I'll probably be dead, due to a mix of a lack of sleep, papers, midterms, finals, and meager vending machine snacks. Wait, no more vending machine! Bad.
But seriously. Can't you tell I'm really not looking forward to the rest of what this year has in store for me? I'm not going to lie, folks. I'm dreading it. The dread has literally been festering inside me this past week and thinking about Wednesday nights in particular (work till noon, afternoon class, followed by an evening class, and a business meeting afterwards) makes me want to curl up into a pathetic ball under a blanket and whimper like a small child. But why would I? I asked for the monster under my bed, and I taunted it. I knew it would eventually come out to get me. A relentless, colossal monster that will not refrain from devouring my soul and purging me into oblivion now matter how many $200 textbooks I fling at it.
Maybe I'm getting carried away. Maybe I'm being too dramatic here. It wouldn't be the first time I felt this way; no, in fact, I've felt this way before, many times. And you know what? It's my own damn fault. I chose this. I decided I would take more classes than I probably should for the sake of my sanity, and I chose to do it while I work full time and pursue other endeavors. And although it may feel like this semester will be, to say the least, my chosen form of self-destruction, I know I will be okay in the end.
Because after all, every time, I have persevered, like a shaky and banged up Don Quixote after biting off almost more than he could chew, but making it out of the giant fight alive. Maybe I am only "tilting at windmills", as they say, feeling like I'm up against an imaginary enemy. Maybe the monster I need to focus on defeating is my self-doubt (I might write a reflection on this soon). Maybe one day I'll give myself the credit I deserve. For now, though, I'm going to enjoy the calm before the storm and pray that the Lord will have mercy on my soul.
Wish me luck!
(P.S. Currently enrolled college students: I'll be sharing my tips on how to survive school with a full time job in the near future. Stay tuned!)
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